I did a terrifying thing. I went to singing lessons.

It’s been a huge month of conquering fears. Or getting things done despite the fear. I guess this round of conquerage (yep I have made up a word) started with walking across hot coals at Tony Robbins last month. And I felt sick all day. In and out of the bathroom on that first day because I knew it was the night that I was either walking on hot coals which seems impossible, dangerous and downright stupid, or the other option of not doing it and feeling incredibly disappointed in myself, that I’m not as good as everyone else there or that I don’t fit in/ don’t really deserve to be there. That didn’t seem an option for the money I had spent and the point to being there. Quite frankly I had become sick of disappointing myself over the years.

I used my recent coping mechanism of trying to not think about it. Focusing on what Tony told you to do, rather than thinking about all the disasters that might be about to happen. I’m sure they were trying to get you close to a hypnotic state closer to the walk which is probably similar to a blank mind or just not thinking. But I did it – you are so scared and then suddenly it’s your turn. There is so much noise and they tell you to go and you focus on what you’ve been told to do and really you just do it.

The beginning of my journey to conquering fears started a couple of years ago when I went zip-lining. It’s when the idea of just not thinking was born for me. In a way it was just being in denial before hand. Not dealing with it in my mind because I really couldn’t. It was too much for my mind to deal with. Too scary for me.

For zip-lining I wrote and used a mantra which I often use today when things feel a bit too much to handle.

I am bold and brave

I am safe and secure

I am capable and confident

And they are true. We all have examples of times in our lives when these things were true for us. So why not focus on the amount of these things we have, instead of the amount we don’t? And then take a leap. Grow more confidence. And how do we do that? Practice. Just like learning any skill, this is also a skill. And suddenly after the last month of pushing so far out of my comfort zone I feel I am getting better. I am no longer a beginner.

This last month was about crossing off 2018 goals. I remember when putting the list together that I was determined to think about what scares me the most and put that on the list. It was time to step up and like being me. And that’s how I got this silly idea of singing lessons.

You spend SO much time before the scary thing imagining how awful it will FEEL. You are focussed on your feelings of failure, terror, judgement, pain and disappointment. But do you actually imagine the real things that might go wrong? Quite often there aren’t any. You FEEL terrified but can’t quite put your finger on exactly what that might be. Only that it will be the very worst. Then the message that goes around and around on constant replay in your head ‘I’m scared, I can’t do this, I’m scared, I can’t do this, I’m scared, I can’t do this.’ No wonder we can’t do things when we find ourselves in this place. Luckily before my first singing lesson I had read enough motivational material to try and stop this happening. It didn’t make me want to go, or be happy to go, or look forward to it but it did enough to get me to the start. Saying I can’t isn’t really setting yourself up for success is it? What if it became a habit to say to yourself ‘I can, I can, I can’. To find some joy and anticipation in the hero you are going to be? Is this easier? Because what is the worst that’s going to happen? And is it ever as bad as we think it might be? Do some things that we blow out of all proportion, scare ourselves silly over, turn out to even be slightly fun? Or even ok if not great? Did we waste time and energy freaking out? Did that freaking out help? Did the things that people taught us as children turn out to be wrong?

Funnily enough I wrote here “I hope this a lesson that will stay with me”. But no, that’s not right. It’s not enough for me anymore. Now I will say “This is a lesson I AM going to continue to use in life”.  That I will now try things with more lightness as a new habit instead of going back to the old habit of freaking out because it’s what I am used to. Not back to my comfort zone. This is the time I start doing more and more and more things outside of my comfort zone because it’s strengthening the muscle. The ‘I can’ muscle (is that even a muscle?). But I feel more strength, more belief, more confidence in myself because I won’t die of shame when I fall. When I am bad at something. When I don’t keep up with other people. When I’m a slow learner. When I am a beginner and exactly where I’m meant to be.

Because that split second when you can still back out of the thing you are scared of starting is over in less than a heartbeat. And really that’s probably the scariest bit. Because once you are busy doing whatever it is, you are focused on the thing and no longer focused on the fear so it diminishes.

So how can we get ourselves past that split second? To the place where we are out of our comfort zone and changing our lives, our futures and what’s possible for us. Where progress equals happiness and we are doing it. We are setting ourselves up for success.

Where you focus is where your energy goes.

Stop focussing ONLY on the fear. See things like a child does, with curiousity. Be interested in wondering what might happen – might it be funny, fun, silly, fascinating or a great story to tell people later? Surely everything we do someone else has done – why do they do it? Do they get better at it and love it? Does it make them feel good? Is it their happy place? Could this turn out to one day be your happy place? How would you know if you don’t bother to try?

Again, where you focus is where your energy goes.

Therefore the more you focus on the place you want to go to, and what that place is going to feel like, the more strength / motivation / resolve / discipline you have to get there. When you are paralysed with fear, instead focus on what it’s going to be like after it’s done. Focus on a time in your life before when you’ve felt fear and made it through. Focus on how proud you are going to feel of yourself afterwards. The intense feelings of awe, wonder, joy and happiness that you are becoming a better version of yourself. With more confidence, more peace, more belief about yourself and the world. That life is full of more possibilities. And all it takes is pushing past that one second of fear. Only one small second.

What do you think? Can we survive that second before the scariest thing on earth? Can we find more moments that scare us to practice, to learn to be good with fear? Imagine that. A world where we are good with fear. It makes our lives seem limitless.

Be kind to yourself, you are capable of so much more than you think you are.

Wxx